YuGiOh and the Holy Grail
by Sorceress Akemi
Summary: Ye gods! It's another Holy Grail parody! Join the intreped King Yugi as he sets off on his epic quest.
1. The King, and Silly Guards

Disclaimer: These characters are not mine, bla bla bla, again with the dull disclaimer that everyone knows and loves to hate.   
  
PART ONE  
  
Fog swirled about the grassy hills, curled around the trees. The sound of hoofbeats pierced the gloom.  
  
Above the crest of the hill, a head appeared, with a crown of spiky hair. He rode forward, leather boots clacking on the ground, even though it was grassy. Following him closely was another man, burdened with a huge pack.  
  
A castle rose ahead of the pair, ominous in the mist. The spiky haired one slowed to a stop.  
  
Whoa, Kaiba! He looked up at the castle wall.  
  
Hello! Hellooo! A helmeted head appeared above the wall.   
  
I am Yugi Motou, King of Games. You may call me...King of Games. He thumped his chest for extra emphasis.  
  
Pull the other one! The guard called.  
  
I am! We have ridden the length and breadth of this land in search of duelists to join me at my court in Domino. I must speak with your lord and master. Yugi intoned.  
  
What, ridden on a horse? You're using coconuts!  
  
Yugi looked back at Kaiba, and the coconuts in his hands. So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the Duelist Kingdom-  
  
Where'd you get the coconuts?  
  
Yugi gritted his teeth. He was becoming annoyed. We found them.  
  
Found them? In the Duelist Kingdom? There's only arenas in the Kingdom. The coconut's tropical! The guard yelled.  
  
Yugi growled, then grew a foot, his voice becoming deeper. The swallow may fly south with the sun...  
  
Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?  
  
No, foolish mortal. They could be carried.  
  
A swallow , carry a coconut?  
  
Just tell your master that Yugi Motou is here!  
  
The guard went on and on about the coconuts, and Yugi, fed up with the babbling, called on the powers of his puzzle to crush the guard's mind. Satisfied that the guard was not going to call for his master anyway, the pair rode away, coconuts in hand.  



	2. Of the 'Dead' and Fruity Black Knights

PART TWO  
  
Bring out your dead! Bring out your mind crushed! The mortician rang his triangle as people brought out vacant shells to toss on the cart.  
  
Here's one. A man brought out a limp body.   
  
I'm not dead! The body spoke.   
  
He says he's not dead. The mortician gestured.  
  
Yes he is.  
  
No I'm not!  
  
The man shook the limp one. Well, he's missing his soul.  
  
I'm getting better! Moaned the person.  
  
The mortician shook his head. I can't take him like that. It's against regulations.  
  
Isn't there something you can do? The man looked at him pleadingly. Glancing around for witnesses, the mortician bashed the old guy over the head with his club. Now he really _was_ dead. Thanks very much. He heaved the body onto the cart. Who's that? He pointed to a short boy with spiky hair followed by a much taller boy wielding coconuts.  
  
The mortician looked where he pointed. Must be a duelist.  
  
What makes you say that?  
  
Because he hasn't got shit all over him.  
  
  
Yugi galloped onwards toward the next castle on a hill. He came up beside a figure pulling a cart. Ho, old woman!  
  
Spoke the cloaked one.  
  
Sorry. Who lives in that castle over there? He pointed up towards the menacing building.  
  
I'm 37!  
  
  
  
I'm 37. I'm not old. And my name is-  
  
Who lives there, if you please?  
  
The shrugged. No one lives there.   
  
Yugi was taken aback. No one? Then who is your lord?  
  
We don't have a lord. The man opened his mouth to say more, but Yugi rode off, shaking his head, determined not to talk to this freaky man...woman...whatever it was.  
  
He galloped on into the forest, following the beaten path, looking dazzling in his fine leathers.  
  
A knight dressed in black fought with another in green. They fought most heartily, and the one in black slew the green's monster with a horrible albino walnut. His skill and strength impressed Yugi. He approached and spoke. I am Yugi Motou, King of Games. I seek the finest duelists to join my in my arena in Domino. Will you not fight with us?  
  
The black knight did not respond.  
  
Yugi shifted uncomfortably, glanced back at the ever-faithful Kaiba, and then back to the knight. You make me sad. Oh well. Come, Kaiba!  
  
He attempted to ride forward, but was stopped.  
  
None shall pass.   
  
  
  
None shall pass. The knight sounded faintly fruity.  
  
I am King of Games, you know. Yugi put his hands on his hips.  
  
I move for no man.  
  
Yugi sighed, exasperated. Oh, come on. He pulled out his dueling deck. The Black Knight-now with capitals- pulled out his in turn.  
  
I play Kuriboh in attack mode. The Knight spoke.  
  
Yugi placed his Dark Magician and blew the fuzzy creature away.   
  
This duel is mine. Stand aside.  
  
'Tis but a scratch to my life points.  
  
Are you crazy? I have just vanquished your only monster.  
  
I've had worse.  
  
The Knight, expression unreadable due to his helmet, placed another monster. It too, was wussy, and was easily defeated by the Magician.  
  
Ha ha. You lose. Yugi taunted.  
  
The Knight placed a card face down. What the hell? You have no monsters! Give up.  
  
Just a flesh wound on my points.  
  
Stop that. Yugi was sick of the Knight's hand clasping.   
  
Yugi dispelled the card with a...well, De-Spell. When he had placed it is a mystery. Yugi attacked his life points directly. Amazingly, the holographic blast knocked off various extremities of the Knight.  
  
I'll get you for that! The Knight screamed.  
  
What are you going to do? Bleed on me?  
  
I'm invincible!  
  
You're a fruity loony. Yugi wiped out the rest of his opponent's life points, put his deck away, and rode off.  
  
Oh, running away are you? Chicken! Come back here, I'll bite your legs off! A strand of silver hair escaped the helmet.  
  
Yugi turned and casually mind crushed him.  
  



	3. Witch! Witch! Pilgrim! Pilgrim!

PART THREE  
  
Realm of shadows in this twilight hour, take these souls and grant us power... The column of monks chanted, then thumped their foreheads with miniature stone tablets. A crown ran through the streets, screaming, A witch! A witch! A villager hopped up onto a platform where a knight with an odd-shaped helmet stood. We've found a witch. May we burn her?   
  
The knight flipped up his visor to make room for his hair point and asked, How do you know she's a witch?  
  
She looks like one! They held her forward so he could see. The brunette was dressed in a short skirt, with a funny hat.  
  
I'm not a witch, I'm a dancer. They dressed me up like this. She protested. And this isn't my nose, it's a false one.  
  
The knight examined her nose. So it is. Well?  
  
...Well, we did do the nose. And the hat. But she's a witch! The knight held up a hand. How do you know she is a witch? He repeated.  
  
She turned me into a newt! One man piped up. He got a couple of curious stares. ...I got better. He mumbled.  
  
Burn her anyway! The villagers renewed their shouting. The knight silenced the crowd again. There are ways of telling if one is a witch. What do we do with witches?  
  
The crowd paused for a second, thinking. A faint curl of smoke rose into the air. After a couple of minutes, someone yelled, Burn them!  
  
What do you burn apart from witches?  
  
More witches!  
  
No, no. He sighed. He answered for them. And why do witches burn?  
  
More deep thought, because this was really complicated. Eventually, a short man in front raised his hand. Because...they're made of wood? He answered hesitantly.  
  
The knight smiled. And what does wood do in water?  
  
One man yelled.  
  
No, no, it floats! shouted another.  
  
Yes. What also floats in water?  
  
  
  
Very small rocks!  
  
  
  
Exodia cards!  
  
During this time, the King of Games had ridden up to watch. He had been silent until now, when he yelled out, A Scapegoat. The knight swiveled his head to look at him. Exactly. Therefore...  
  
If she weighs the same as a Scapegoat, she's made of wood. said a villager.  
  
The knight encouraged.  
  
She's a witch! screamed.  
  
We'll use my largest scales. The knight led them over.  
  
The knight met Yugi as the crowd stuffed the girl into one side of the scales.  
  
Who are you who is so wise in the ways of science? The knight asked.  
  
I am Yugi Motou. The knight fell to his knee. My liege!  
  
What is your name, good sir knight? Yugi questioned.  
  
Honda, my liege.  
  
Yugi drew out his dueling deck, and knighted Honda. I dub thee, Sir Honda, a Knight of Domino. Would you join me in my arena?  
  
I would be honored!  
  
And so, Sir Honda was the first to join Yugi Motou's team, but he was soon followed be many others. Sir Jounouchi, the Brave. Sir Otogi, the Pure. And Sir Ryou, the Not-Quite-So-Brave as sir Jounouchi, who had nearly stood up to his yami, who had almost dueled, and who had personally scared himself silly in the tunnels below Pegasus' castle.  
  
Together, these duelists would duel all who fought without honor, for friendship and love. They followed Yugi to the Domino Arena.  
  
When they arrived, the company paused.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
It's only a model. Kaiba muttered.  
  
Yugi turned to his duelists. Welcome, to-  
  
Domino! We're duelists of the arena... A couple of people danced and dueled as others looked on. Beaver Warrior was played, and a winged nurse mounted on a syringe, as well as an array of other ridiculous monsters.  
  
On second thought, let us not go to Domino, it is a silly place. Yugi turned and led the duelists away.


	4. God is Not French! and a Holy Quest

PART FOUR  
  
As the knights rode across the countryside, thunder rolled, though the sky was clear. King Yugi looked around for the source of the sound, but his search was fruitless.  
  
Yugi...Yugi...King of Games.  
  
The knights looked up as the clouds parted to reveal a tanned head wearing a turban, a strange symbol around it's neck. Yugi and company fell to their knees.  
  
Oh, don't grovel! If there's one thing I can't stand it's groveling.   
  
apologized Yugi.  
  
And don't apologize! Every time I try to talk to someone it's sorry' this and forgive me' that and I am not worthy.' What are you doing now?  
  
I am averting my eyes, O Shadi.   
  
Shadi rolled his eyes. Well, don't. It's like those miserable chanters-they're so depressing. Now knock it off!  
  
Yes, Lord.  
  
Shadi said. Yugi, King of Games, your duelists of the Arena shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times.  
  
Good idea, O Shadi!  
  
'Course it's a good idea! Behold! He faded from view to reveal a card. Yugi, this is the Head of Exodia. Look well, Yugi, for it is your sacred task to seek this card. That is your purpose, Yugi...the Quest for the Head of Exodia. The clouds slammed shut, sealing away the image.  
  
Sir Jounouchi grinned. A blessing! A blessing from Shadi!  
  
Shadi be praised! Sir Otogi pitched in.  
  
  
Yugi and crew approached yet another castle. called the King. Kaiba blew a trumpet most heartily, and Yugi spoke.   
  
A figure appeared over the wall, dressed in blue and orange, carrying a sword. It appeared to be on fire. Allo! Who is eet?  
  
Yugi called up, It is Yugi Motou, King of Games, and these are my Duelists of the Arena. Who's castle is this?  
  
The swordsman answered, This is the castle of my master, Redeys de Blakdregin.  
  
Go and tell your master that if he gives us food and shelter he can join us in our quest for the Head of Exodia.  
  
Well, I'll tell him, but I don't think he'll be very keen. He's already got one, you see?  
  
Yugi sputtered.  
  
They said they've already got one! put in Otogi.  
  
Are you sure he's got one? Yugi asked.  
  
Oh yes, it's very nice-a. answered the swordsman. He whispered to the other on the wall, I told him we already got one. They snickered.  
  
Might we come up and have a look? Yugi requested.  
  
Of course not! You are English types-a!  
  
Actually, we're Japanese. corrected Honda. We were dubbed a couple of years ago.  
  
What are you, then? Yugi demanded indignantly.  
  
I'm French! Why do zink I have this outrageous accent, you silly king?!  
  
What are you doing in Domino?  
  
Mind your own business!  
  
Show us the grail! Yugi was becoming irritated.  
  
You don't frighten us, Japanese pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person! I blow my nose at you, so-called Yugi-King and all your silly knnnnnnnnniggets. Thppt!  
  
What a strange person. Otogi remarked.  
  
I don't wanna talk to you no more! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a Beaver Warrior, and your father smelt of Shining Friendship! The swordsman continued.  
  
Sir Otogi glanced up. Is there someone else up there that we could talk to?  
  
yelled the swordsman. Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time!  
  
Yugi took a deep breath. Now, I've been more than reasonable, so if you will not show us the Head of Exodia...  
  
All of the sudden, a mooing sound was heard from overhead, and a cow smashed down on one of the faithful retainers, a short blue-haired boy with a green coat and glasses.   
  
Holy Ra! Yugi shouted.  
  
the knights agreed, dodging various farm animals. They attempted to charge, but failed miserably.  
  
Run away! the knights shouted. They fled into the forest.  
  
I shall mind crush them! Yugi grew a foot, his voice deepening.  
  
No, sir! Honda held back the irate King of Games. I have a plan...  
  



	5. A Wooden What?

PART FIVE  
  
Sounds of sawing escaped the still quiet of the forest, followed by various clunks and bangs. Then...  
  
*Squeaksqueaksqueaksqueaksqueaksqueak...*  
  
The French Flame Swordsman listened intently to these strange sounds. Drilling, then more mechanical noises. *Clang squeaksqueaksqueak...*  
  
The door of the castle creaked open.  
  
Three frenchmonsters whispered amongst themselves. ...whisperwhisper present? Let's go. Over here... They hauled the large, wooden Baby Dragon that rested outside the gate into their castle.  
  
A ways away, Yugi crouched with his knights. What happens next?  
  
Honda whispered back, Now, we wait until nightfall, when Jounouchi, Otogi, and I leap out of the dragon, taking the French totally by surprise. Not only by surprise, but also totally unarmed!  
  
Yugi did a double take. Who leaps out?  
  
Jounouchi, Otogi, and I- Honda began. The others looked at him murderously. Well, if we built this large, wooden Time Wizard...  
  
There were a number of unexplainable thumps and squeals.  
  
Run away! Yugi screamed, having spotted the airborne wooden construct flying towards their position.  
  
The wooden dragon crashed down on yet another retainer, this one with spiky hair tied back with a bandana, and a second backpack.  
  
The French guffawed uproariously.  
  
  
Picture for schools, take eight.  
  
  
  
A short old man, with spiky grey hair stood in the woods, narrating for a camera. Defeat at the castle seems to have disheartened King Yugi. Taken utterly by surprise by the ferocity of the French taunting, he became convinced that a new strategy was in order. Having consulted the duelists, he decided that they should separate, and look for the Head individually.  
  
Hoofbeats sounded in the woods, growing closer.  
  
This is what they did. Sir Jounouchi-  
  
He was interrupted as a knight rode up to him with a cry and slit his throat.   
  
A woman in a sweater ran towards the fallen historian.   
  



	6. The Not Quite So Brave

PART SIX  
  
The Tale of Sir Ryou  
  
So, each of the duelists went their separate ways. Sir Ryou rode north, through the dark forest of the Kingdom, accompanied by his favorite minstrels.  
  
A minstrel sang, following Sir Ryou. Bravely bold Sir Ryou, rode forth from Domino.  
He was not afraid die, oh brave Sir Ryou.  
He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways.  
Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Ryou!  
  
He was not in the least bit scared to be sent to the Shadow Realm,  
Or to have his brain mind crushed, and his poor soul broken.  
To have his monsters split, and his body burned away,  
And his yami torture him, oh brave Sir Ryou!  
  
His ring smashed in and his heart cut out  
And his duel deck removed and his bowels unplugged  
And his nostrils raped and his sweater burned off  
And his pe-  
  
Ryou interrupted the minstrel with a gesture. That's enough singing for now, lads. Looks like there's dirty work afoot.  
  
The troupe rode forward, past signs that warned of impending death and doom and other such sundry things.  
  
A voice echoed through the forest. Sir Ryou froze in his tracks, looking up at the three headed monstrosity. It was blue, and dragon shaped. Say, come to think of it, it was a dragon...  
  
Who art thou? It asked.  
  
The minstrel jumped in. He is brave Sir Ryou, brave Sir Ryou, who-  
  
Shut up! Ryou hissed. N-n-no one, really. I-I'm just p-p-passing through.  
  
What do you want? The three headed dragon asked.  
  
To fight, and-  
  
Shut up! Um, er...nothing really, just to -p-pass through.  
  
The three headed one spoke again. I'm afraid not!  
  
Well, actually, I am a duelist of the Domino Arena. Ryou stammered.  
  
All three heads focused on him.  
  
You're a Duelist of the Arena?  
  
I am.  
  
In that case, we shall have to kill you. The dragon's left head said smugly.  
  
Shall I? asked the middle head.  
  
No, I don't think so. answered the right.  
  
Well, what do I think? the middle head again.  
  
The left spoke: I think kill him.  
  
The right replied, Oh, let's be nice to him. He's so fuzzy.  
  
Oh, shut up. from the left.  
  
Ryou began, Perhaps I could-  
  
Shut up! Oh, quick, get the sword out! I want to cut his head off! Left again.  
  
Oh, cut your own head off! yelled the right.  
  
The middle agreed. Yes, do us all a favor.  
  
The heads went on like this for some time, until...  
  
We'll have tea, not rice cakes, but let's kill him anyway!  
  
The other two agreed.  
  
Ryou was nowhere to be found.  
  
He buggered off! The right head was outraged. So outraged, in fact, that it toasted a nearby tree with white lightning.  
  
So he has.  
  
  
The minstrel hopped and skipped as he sang. Brave Sir Ryou ran away.  
  
  
  
Bravely ran away away...  
  
I didn't!  
  
When danger reared its ugly head, he bravely turned his tail and fled...  
  
  
  
Yes, Sir Ryou turned about...  
  
I didn't!  
  
And gallantly he chickened out, bravely taking to his feet...  
  
I never did!  
  
He beat a very brave retreat.  
  
All lies!  
  
I never!  



	7. The Pure

PART SEVEN  
  
The Tale of Sir Otogi  
  
Thunder crashed, lightning flared through the sky. Sir Otogi stumbled up a grassy slope, brushing thorny bushes out of his way. As he looked up, he saw a castle crowning the hill, with a glowing, card-shaped light above it.  
  
He pounded on the door, imploring the denizens to allow him entry to the dwelling. Open the door! In the name of King Yugi, open the door!   
  
The door creaked open ominously.  
  
A chorus of female voices greeted him.  
  
One stepped forward, with long honey colored hair. Welcome, gentle sir knight, to Castle Lemon.  
  
Castle Lemon? the soaked Otogi was a bit taken aback.  
  
It's not a very good name, is it? Oh, but we are nice and we will attend to your every, every need! She reassured him.  
  
You are the keepers of the Head of Exodia? Otogi panted.  
  
The what? she asked.  
  
The Head of Exodia. It is here.  
  
She cooed softly, violet eyes twinkling. Oh, but you are weary, and you must rest. Harpy Sisters! She clapped her hands twice.  
  
The two in question appeared. Yes, o, Mai?  
  
Prepare a bed for our guest.  
  
The bowed rapidly. Thank you, oh thank you! Thank you!  
  
Away, sisters. Mai waved them off. The beds here are soft, and warm, and very, very big...  
  
Otogi stuttered a few incomprehensible syllables.  
  
What is your name, good sir knight?  
  
Sir Otogi...the Pure.  
  
Mai giggled. Mine is Mai. Just Mai, but come. She led him up the stairs.  
  
Otogi stopped. In Shadi's name, show me the Head of Exodia!  
  
Mai stroked his head. Oh, but you are delirious. she purred. You musn't refuse our hospitality.  
  
Otogi blinked. Well, er, I, uh...  
  
Mai sighed. How very dull our lives must seem. Cooped up in a castle all day, dressing, undressing, bathing, making exciting underwear. We are not used to bishonen duelists like yourself. Otogi stumbled. Oh, but you are wounded!  
  
No, it's nothing. Otogi protested.   
  
You must see our doctors. Mai insisted firmly, and pushed him down on the bed. She clapped again, and two more girls appeared. One, in a blue suit of armor with a pink skirt, and an odd hat. The second, in a long green robe. Her skin was blue.  
  
What seems to be the trouble? Questioned the first.  
  
Otogi looked at them incredulously. They're doctors!?  
  
Mai shifted her gaze. They have a basic medical training, yes. Rest, now. Doctor Magician Girl! Doctor Mystical Elf! Practice your art.  
  
The two oddly-dressed doctors moved toward Sir Otogi. They reached out to remove his clothes...  
  
Are you sure that's absolutely necessary? Otogi sidled away from them.  
  
The Magician Girl frowned at him cutely. We must examine you. She reached out again...  
  
There's nothing wrong with that! He scurried out of the way as they reached for his personal dragon.  
  
Please. We are doctors. The girl was very patient.  
  
Otogi curled up tightly. Look here. I'm sworn to focus only on my game, okay? He flipped his hair out of the way.  
  
Back to your bed! Immediately! The Magician Girl scolded him, bending low to reveal her impressive cleavage.  
  
Otogi shielded his eyes. Torment me no longer! I know the Head is here! I have seen it! He ran from the room. I have seen-  
  
The chorus of dozens of women filled his ears.   
  
Otogi saw the familiar face among the sea of girls.  
  
She shook her head. No, I am Mai's identical twin sister, Iam.  
  
Otogi apologized. Oh, well excuse me, I-  
  
Where are you going? Iam' stepped in front of him.  
  
I seek the Head of Exodia! It is here! I have seen it!  
  
Iam looked distressed. Oh, no. Oh no! Bad Mai, naughty Mai! I have just remembered that our beacon is card shaped. It's not the first time we've had this problem.  
  
It's not the real Head?  
  
Naughty, wicked Mai! She is bad and must pay the penalty. Here in Castle Lemon, we have only one punishment. You must tie her to a bed and spank her.  
  
A spanking! A spanking! The other girls chorused.  
  
Yes. And once you have spanked her, you may do with her as you like. And when you are finished, you must spank me. Iam said.  
  
And me!  
  
And me!  
  
And me!  
  
Yes, yes, you must give us all a good spanking. And after the spanking, the Oral Sex. Iam continued.  
  
Otogi relented. Well, I could stay a bit longer.  
  
Just then, Sir Jounouchi charged into the room. Sir Otogi!  
  
Oh, hello. Otogi blinked.  
  
Quick! You are in great peril! Jounouchi tugged on Otogi's arm.  
  
No he isn't. Iam insisted.  
  
Silence, foul temptress! Jounouchi hauled Otogi down the stairs. Come on! We will cover your escape!  
  
I'm fine! I can tackle this lot single handed! Otogi protested.  
  
Yes! Let him tackle us single handed! the girls chimed in, following after the fleeing knights.  
  
I can handle this lot easily! Otogi pleaded.  
  
Oh, yes, let him handle us easily!  
  
Please! I can defeat them! There's only a hundred and fifty of them!  
  
Yes, yes! Let him defeat us! We haven't a chance!  
  
The door slammed shut, carrying Otogi and Jounouchi with it.  
  
Iam pouted. Oh, shit.  
  
  
Jounouchi dragged the kicking Otogi away from Castle Lemon. We were in the nick of time. You were in terrible peril.  
  
I don't think I was. complained Otogi.  
  
Oh yes you were. Great peril.  
  
Let me go back and face the peril.  
  
No, it's too perilous.  
  
Look, it's my duty to sample all the peril I can.  
  
No, no, we've got to find the Head of Exodia.  
  
Can't I have just a little bit of peril?  
  
  
  
Sometimes I think you're gay.  
  
I am not.  



	8. The Knights Who Say

PART EIGHT  
  
Sir Jounouchi had saved Sir Otogi from almost certain temptation, but they were still no nearer the Head. Meanwhile, King Yugi and Honda were no more than a swallow's flight away, and had discovered something. On to Scene 24, which is a smashing scene with lovely acting, in which Yugi discovers a vital clue, and in which there aren't any swallows, though I think you can hear a Parrot Dragon...ooh!  
  
Hee hee hee hee! The older man laughed. He was tall, with grey hair, sunglasses, a black suit, and a voice that sounded as if he had been gargling sandpaper.  
  
And this enchanter of whom you speak, he has seen the Head of Exodia? Yugi asked. The old man continued his inane laughter.  
  
Old man, where does he live? Yugi pressured the old man.  
  
The old man settled down. Hee hee...he knows of a cave, a cave which no man has entered.  
  
And the Head? Yugi was becoming impatient. The Head is there?  
  
The old man snickered again. There is much danger, for beyond the cave lies the Gorge of Lost Life Points, which no man has ever crossed.  
  
But the Head! Where is the Head? Yugi leaned forward.  
  
Seek you the Bridge of Mindcrush.  
  
The Bridge of Mindcrush? Which leads to the Head? Yugi questioned.  
  
The old man only laughed, and faded from view.  
  
  
Yugi and crew rode onward through the forest. They caught sight of flickering forms out of the corners of their eyes, along with a generally creepy feeling. He fixed his eyes straight ahead, ignoring the nervous feeling in the pit of his stomach.   
  
  
  
Yugi skidded to a halt before a group of knights in black armor. At the front of their number, a knight stood tall above Yugi. Stilts were clearly visible when his black robes swished aside. He had a spiky bush of black hair that poked out wildly from beneath his helmet.  
  
The Knights chorused around him, Niisama! Niisama!  
  
Who are you? asked Yugi.  
  
We are the Knights Who Say...Niisama! the leader answered.  
  
came a random comment.  
  
Yugi recoiled in fear. No! Not the Knights Who Say   
  
The same!  
  
Who are they? Honda whispered to Yugi.  
  
We are the keepers of the sacred words, answered the head Knight. Niisama, Go!DiceRoll!, and YourMove!!  
  
Again, the random comment.  
  
Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale! Yugi said in a hushed tone.  
  
The Knights Who Say Niisama demand a sacrifice! The Head Knight continued.  
  
Yugi pleaded. Knights of Niisama, we are but simple travelers who seek the enchanter who dwells beyond these woods.  
  
  
  
Niisama! Niisama! Niisama!  
  
No! Ow ow ow! Yugi's company cowered before the wrath of the Knights. Strangely, Kaiba was not affected.  
  
We shall say Niisama' to you again if you do not appease us. the Head Knight spoke.  
  
Well, what is it you want?  
  
We want... the Knight paused for dramatic emphasis. A Man Eater Plant!  
  
A what? Yugi looked at them incredulously.  
  
The Knights began their assault in unison. Niisama! Niisama!  
  
Please! No more! We will find you a Man Eater Plant. Yugi relented.  
  
You must return here with the Man Eater Plant, or you will never leave this forest...alive. The Knight intoned.  
  
Yugi looked relieved. O Knights of Niisama, you are just and fair, and we will return with the Man Eater Plant.  
  
One that looks nice.  
  
  
  
And not too expensive.  
  
  
  
Now go! The Knight pointed away. Yugi and his duelists fearfully rode forth, in search of a Man Eater Plant.  
  



	9. The Brave

PART NINE  
  
The Tale of Sir Jounouchi  
  
High up in a tower of yet _another _castle, two people stood talking. Or rather, one was talking, the other was trying not the listen.   
  
One day, lad, this will all be yours!  
  
The one he was addressing was pale, with poofy blue hair and a pink shirt. What, the curtains?  
  
No, not the curtains, lad. All you can see, the whole of this disgusting fetid swampland! All these hills and valleys...it'll all be yours!  
  
But Father, I don't want any of that. the poofy-haired one replied.  
  
The boy's father leaned in close. Now, listen here, lad. I built this castle from scratch. They all laughed at me, building a castle in a swamp. The first castle sank into the swamp. So, I built another one. That one sank into the swamp, too. The third one burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp. But the fourth one-it stayed, and that's what you'll be getting, lad, the strongest, best castle.  
  
But I don't want any of that.  
  
Oh? The what do you want?  
  
The boy turned toward the window. I'd rather...just...sing!  
  
Stop that, stop that. the boy's father stopped the song before it could begin. You're not breaking into song while I'm here. And don't start that psychic act either. In twenty minutes, you're getting married to a girl whose father owns the biggest tracts of open land in Japan.  
  
I don't want land. the boy whined.  
  
Don't want land? Listen. We live in a bloody swamp. We need all the land we can get. the older man was getting angry.  
  
But I don't like her.  
  
Don't like her? What's not to like? She's beautiful, she's rich, she's got huge...tracts of land...  
  
The boy sighed. I know, but I want a girl with a certain...special...something... Opening chords sounded through the air.  
  
Cut that out! Cut it out! Look, you're marrying the princess whether you like it or not, so get used to the idea. He stormed out. Make sure the prince doesn't leave this room untill I get back.  
  
The guard stared ahead stupidly. Not to leave the room even if you come and get him.  
  
The boy's father paused. No, no, until I come and get him. You stay in the room and make sure he doesn't leave.  
  
And you'll come get him.  
  
  
  
The guard hiccuped. We don't need to do anything except keep him from entering the room.  
  
No, no, leaving the room.  
  
The guard paused. What if we-  
  
The boy's father got in the gaurd's face. Look. It's quite simple. You just stay her, and stop him from leaving the room. Got it?  
  
The guard looked at him. Can he leave the room with us?  
  
No. Just keep him in here, and don't let him start that psychic act, either.  
  
  
  
Is that clear? asked the exasperated king.  
  
Oh, quite clear.  
  
He started to leave the room. Musical chords started up, and he jumped back in. None of that! And get that suit on!  
  
But Father!  
  
Shut up, you!  
  
His father gone, the boy glanced at the guards. They were oblivious. I predict that I'll get out of here. he said confidently, and scribbled a note on a scrap of paper. The guards smiled and looked on. He tied it to an arrow and quickly shot it out of the window.  
  
  
Sir Jounouchi and his faithful attendant rode through the forest.   
  
Good one, Mako!  
  
Thank you, sir! The beefy retainer skipped happily over logs, until an arrow came streaking out of the sky and thunked into his chest. He stared at it stupidly for a moment, then fell over.Message for you, sir... he gasped.  
  
Mako! Speak to me! Sir Jounouchi tore the note off of the arrow and read it.  
  
To whoever finds this note:  
  
I have been imprisoned by my father, who wishes me to marry against my will. Please, please, please come and rescue me. I am in the Tall and Unsinkable Tower of Swamp Castle.  
  
Jounouchi cried out and leapt to his feet. At last! A call! A cry of distress! This could be the sign that leads us to the Head of Exodia! Oh, brave Mako, you shall not have died in vain!  
  
Mako looked up weakly. I'm not quite dead, sir.  
  
Oh. Well you shall not have been mortally wounded in vain-  
  
I think I might pull through, sir.  
  
Whatever. You stay here, I'll answer the call for distress. With that, Sir Jounouchi rode off to find the damsel.  
  
  
The guests exchanged greetings and looked on as the princess giggled. The guards outside were wreathed with flowers. They saw a man running towards them from across the field, but just grinned and payed it no heed.  
  
The first guard looked back up, and saw the man in exactly the same spot as before. He smiled, and greeted another guest.  
  
The second guard looked up, and lo! The man was still in the same spot. Is he even moving at all? he asked.  
  
I don't-aaaaaggh! The man ran up suddenly from his place across the field and stabbed the first guard. He proceeded into the main hall, picking off everyone who stood in his way.  
  
Jounouchi burst in on the room of the and started a magnificent speech. O, fair one, I am Sir Jounouchi, and I-oh, terribly sorry. He stopped as he realized that this fair one was a guy.  
  
The boy's eyes lit up with joy. You got my note! You've come to rescue me! He bounced around happily.  
  
I knew someone would! I knew someone would... Music started up, and the boy's father burst into the room.   
  
None of that, none of that! Who are you? He glared accusingly at Jounouchi.  
  
Esper Roba sputtered, I'm your son!  
  
The boy's father waved him off. No, not you.  
  
Jounouchi stood up proudly. I am Sir Jounouchi. Sir.  
  
Esper jumped in. He's come to rescue me, Father.  
  
Well now, let's not jump to conclusions. Jounouchi said.  
  
You killed those guards? They cost fifty bucks each, you know! The knig was outraged.  
  
Jounouchi looked down. Um, terribly sorry, I can explain everything, you know.  
  
Esper threw some knotted sheets out the window. Hurry, Sir Jounouchi! He began to climb down.  
  
You killed eight guests!  
  
Well, uh, I, you see, I thought your son was a chick.  
  
The king looked at him thoughtfully. I can understand that. But you killed the bride's father!  
  
Jounouchi mumbled, I didn't mean to.  
  
Not mean to?! You stuck your flaming sword through his chest!  
  
Jounouchi spared a glance at his sword. It wasn't aflame. How odd. Oh dear, is he alright?  
  
You kicked the bride in the chest! This is going to cost me a fortune!  
  
Well, I can explain. I wsa in the forest, riding north from Domino, when this note attached to an arrow flew out of the sky and-  
  
The king interrupted. You're from Domino?  
  
Esper called from the window. Hurry, Sir Jounouchi!  
  
The king continued. Good country, that. Have a drink?  
  
I am ready!  
  
I apologize. I sometimes get carried away. Jounouchi moved to the door as the king cut the sheets. A muffled came from the direction of the window.  
  
It's quite alright. Don't worry about it.


	10. Of Escapes and Gardeners

Mid Story Disclaimer: None of these characters are mine. Monty Python and the Holy Grail is not mine. Got it?  
  
PART TEN  
  
Down in the main hall, various guests were crying and tending to others' wounds. The king and Jounouchi came down the stairs.  
  
As you can see, this is the main hall. We're going to have all of this knocked through and made into one big, uh, living room.  
  
There he is! A guest screamed, pointing at Jounouchi.  
  
Oh, bloody hell. The king groaned.  
  
Jounouchi's eyes brightened and he leaped forward, skewering another man.  
  
Stop it! Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! Please! The king grabbed Sir Jounouchi's arm before he could kill anyone else.  
  
Jounouchi backed off. Sorry, sorry. There, you see what I mean? I just get carried away. I'm really most awfully sorry. Sorry! Sorry, everyone.  
  
He's killed the best man! Another guest yelled. The rest of them cried out along with him.  
  
The king intervened himself between the murderous guests and Sir Jounouchi. Hold it! Hold it! Please, hold it! This is Sir Jounouchi from the Arena of Domino, a very brave and influential duelist, and my special guest here today.  
  
Jounouchi waved.   
  
He killed my auntie!  
  
The clamor resumed.  
  
The king held up his hands. Please! Please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion! Let's not bicker and argue over who killed who. We are here today to witness the union of two young people in the joyful (cough) bond of holy wedlock. He paused. Unfortunately, one of them, my son Esper, has just fallen to his death.  
  
The crowd gasped. Oh no! Oh no!  
  
Holding up his hands, the king continued. But I don't want to think I've lost a son so much as...gained a daughter. The crowd applauded. For, since the tragic death of her father-  
  
He's not quite dead! One of the guests kneeling beside the supposedly dead man shouted.  
  
The king rolled his eyes. Since the near fatal wounding of her father-  
  
He's getting better!  
  
For, since her own father, who, when he seemed about to recover, suddenly felt the icy hand of death upon him.  
  
  
  
Oh, he's died!  
  
And I want his only daughter to look upon me as her old dad, in a very real, and legally binding sense. The crowd applauded once more. And I feel the merger-er, union between the Princess and the brave, but dangerous, Sir Jounouchi of Domino-  
  
Jounouchi started.   
  
A guest stood up and pointed. Look! The dead Prince!  
  
The crowd gasped. Ooh, the dead Prince!  
  
Mako, having entered with the Prince commented, He's not quite dead.  
  
Esper Roba shuffled forward. No, I feel much better.  
  
The king stared at him in outrage. You fell out of the Tall Tower, you creep!  
  
Esper looked up at him matter-of-factly. No, I was saved at the last minute.  
  
  
  
Esper was lifted onto a table. Well, I'll tell you.  
  
No! Not like that! Not like that! Stop it! Esper's father waved his arms frantically as music filled the air.  
  
The guests began to sing. He's going to tell, he's going to tell!  
  
Shut uuuuuup!  
  
He's going to tell...  
  
Shut up!  
  
He's going to tell...  
  
Shut up!  
  
He's going to tell...  
  
Not like that!  
  
He's going to tell! He's going to tell! He's going to tell! He's going to tell! He's going to tell!  
  
Mako waved to Sir Jounouchi. Quickly, sir!  
  
He's going to tell...  
  
He waved again. Come this way!  
  
He's going to tell! He's going to tell...  
  
Jounouchi shouted across the noise. No! It's not right for my idiom!  
  
He's going to tell...  
  
I must escape more... He paused, and sighed.  
  
He's going to tell...  
  
Dramatically, sir? Mako offered.  
  
Jounouchi brightened. He unwrapped a rope from the wall, stood on the edge of the stairs, and swung towards the door.   
  
He's going to tell...  
  
Jounouchi swung back and forth. Uum...could somebody give me a push?  
  
  
King Yugi rode into a town where an old crone beat a cat on the side of her hovel.  
  
Old crone! He called. She stopped beating the cat. Is there anywhere in this town where we could buy a Man Eater Plant?  
  
She stared up at him. Not a long ways to look. Who sent you?  
  
Yugi glanced at Sir Honda. The Knights Who Say   
  
The crone threw up her hands. Aargh! No! Never! We have no Man Eater Pants here!  
  
Yugi stood tall...ish. If you do not tell us where we can buy a Man Eater Plant, my friend and I will say...we will say...'niisama.'  
  
Agh! Do your worst! She spat.  
  
Very well! Yugi grew taller, and his voice deepened. If you will not assist us voluntarily...niisama!  
  
No! Never! No Man Eater Plants!  
  
Yelled Yami...er, Yugi.  
  
The crone coughed.  
  
Honda joined in.  
  
Yugi stopped him. No, no, no, no...  
  
Said Honda.  
  
No, it's not that, it's   
  
  
  
No, no-'niisama.' You're not doing it properly.  
  
  
  
Yugi smiled. That's it, you've got it.  
  
In unison, they turned to the cowering crone and renewed their attack.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Niisama! Niisama!  
  
A man in purple armor drove up his cart as they were saying niisama' to the old crone. Are you saying niisama' to that old woman?  
  
Yugi mumbled, Erm, yes.  
  
The man shook his head. Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can niisama' at will to old ladies. There is a pestilence upon this land. Nothing is sacred. Even those who arrange and design Man Eater Plants are under considerable economic stress at this period in history.  
  
Yugi jumped. Did you say Man Eater Plants?'  
  
The purple-armored man looked down his nose at him. Yes. Man Eater Plants are my trade. I am a gardener. My name-title-is Dark the Gardener. I arrange, design, and sell Man Eater Plants.  
  
Honda turned back to the old lady.   
  
Yugi grabbed his arm. No! No, no, no! No!  
  
  
_________  
  
A/N: I would just like to thank all of my lovely reviewers. Thank you!  
  
Responses:  
  
CPegasus: Python ROCKS. I am continuing. But you could probably tell that. ^_~  
  
Eriko Myoujin: I love that movie too. Thanks for the review!  
  
kuroi Bara no Twilight: Thank you! I was aiming to make it original and entertaining.  
  
aibyouka: I'd make him do something else, too. ~_^ Thanks for the reviews!  
  
Kaiba: Heeeyyy...  
  
The Mad Psyentist/Korogi Nagis: I look forward to writing the ending.   
  
Blue Lagoon Loon: I haven't seen it. *sniff* So hadn't thought about it. Now, though, I might go in search of that movie...  
  
Aithril the Elf-Maiden: A thousand apologies. I'll have to fix that. At some point. *Is very busy with lots of other things* I'm glad you like it!  
  
Ly the werewolf: Thank you! I'm here to provide much needed humor to people's days. *Bows*


	11. No Longer the Knights Who Say

PART ELEVEN  
  
Yugi and Honda stood once more before the imposing, if not particularly tall, Knights of Niisama. Yugi spoke.  
  
O Knights of Niisama, we have brought you your Man Eater Plant. May we go now?  
  
The Knights surveyed the plant before them. Their leader spoke. It is a good Man Eater Plant. I like the petals particularly. But there is one small problem.  
  
What is that? said Yugi.  
  
We are now... The Head Knight paused for dramatic effect. ...no longer the Knights Who Say   
  
  
  
The errant knight was shushed. We are now the Knights Who Say   
  
  
  
Therefore, we must give you a test. The spiky-haired, short-but-on-stilts leader continued.  
  
Yugi glanced at Honda, then back at the Knight. What is this test, O Knights of- Knights Who Til Recently Said   
  
The Knight smirked. Firstly, you must find...another Man Eater Plant!  
  
Not another Man Eater Plant! Yugi cried out.  
  
  
  
The Knight continued gleefully. Then, when you have found the Man Eater Plant, you must place it here beside this Man Eater Plant, only slightly higher so you get the two-level effect, with a little path running down the middle.  
  
A path! A path! A path! Niisama! Shh! Niisama! Niisama! Shh! Shh! The Knights chorused.  
  
Then, when you have found the Man Eater Plant, you must cut down the mightiest tree in this forest...with...a Demon Kraken! He finished triumphantly, brandishing a miniature squid-like object at them with a flourish.  
  
We will do no such thing! said Yugi indignantly.  
  
Oh, please! The knight whined.  
  
Cut down a tree with a Demon Kraken? It can't be done.  
  
Aauugh! Aaaugh! The Knights clasped their hands over their ears, writhing in pain.  
  
Augh! Ohh! Don't say that word. Said the Head Knight.  
  
What word? Asked Yugi, confused.  
  
I cannot tell, suffice to say it is one of the words the Knights of Niisama cannot hear.  
  
Yugi rolled his eyes. How can we not say the word if you won't tell us what it is?  
  
  
  
You said the word again!  
  
What, asked Yugi.  
  
No, not is.' You wouldn't get very far in life not saying   
  
Honda pointed down the trail. Look my liege, it's Sir Ryou!  
  
Ryou rode along the trail, accompanied by his minstrels, who were singing.  
  
Packing it in and packing it up  
And sneaking away and buggering up,  
And chickening out and pissing off home,  
Yes, bravely he is throwing in the sponge.  
  
Yugi grinned broadly. Sir Ryou!  
  
Ryou smiled back. My liege! It's good to see you.  
  
The Knight winced. Now he's said the word!  
  
Surely you've not given up your quest for the Head of Exodia? continued Yugi.  
  
He is sneaking away and buggering up-  
  
Shut up! No, no, no. Far from it. Ryou assured Yugi.  
  
  
  
I was looking for it.  
  
  
  
Uh, here- here in this forest.  
  
King Yugi shook his head. No, it is far from this place.  
  
  
  
Aaaugh! Stop saying the word! The word... The Knight cried.  
  
Oh, stop it! Yelled King Yugi.  
  
...we cannot hear! The Knights whined.  
  
Ow! He said the word again! The Head Knight whimpered.  
  
Said Yugi, turning away. They began to ride out.   
  
Wait! I said it! I said it!  
  
The party of adventuring duelists ignored them.  
  
Ooh! I said it again! And again! That's three its!' Ohh!  
  
  
  
  
And so, Yugi, Honda, and Sir Ryou set out on their search to find the enchanter of which the old man had spoken during scene twenty-four. Beyond the forest they met Jounouchi and Otogi, and there was much rejoicing.  
  
Yay! Yay!  
  
In the frozen land of BattleCity, they were forced to eat Ryou's minstrels.  
  
Get back! Eee!  
  
And there was much rejoicing.  
  
  
  
A year passed. Winter changed into spring. Spring changed into summer. Summer changed back into winter. Winter gave spring and summer a miss and went straight on into autumn. Until one day...  
  



	12. The Enchanter

Erratic mid-story disclaimer: *Sigh...* I don't own them...stay off my back...  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
PART TWELVE  
  
The Duelists rode forth, through a pass in the hills, when a roar rumbled through the foothills. The company paused, murmuring and bewildered.  
  
Duelists! Forward! bellowed King Yugi.  
  
The noise sounded again, louder this time. The assembled duelists beheld a man clad entirely in black leather throwing fire at various locations around him. Yugi squeaked.  
  
The man threw another blast of flame, then gestured grandly at himself, and disappeared in a column of fire. He reappeared in front of them, startling the duelists.  
  
His skin was blue, his eyes yellow, and his hair billowed out wildly from beneath his oddly shaped hat. He held a long black staff casually in one hand.  
  
What manner of man are you that can summon up fire without flint or tinder? asked Yugi.  
  
The tall man spoke, with a faintly British accent. I...am an enchanter.  
  
By what name are you known?  
  
The enchanter straightened and planted his staff on the ground. There are some who call me...Tim?  
  
Greetings, Tim the Enchanter.  
  
Greetings, King Yugi! said Tim.  
  
You know my name?  
  
I do. The blue skinned enchanter tossed off a random fireball, then turned back the the diminutive king. You seek the Head of Exodia!  
  
Yugi started. That is our quest. You know much that is hidden, O Tim.  
  
He tossed off another two balls of flame, for dramatic emphasis.  
  
The comment was from Sir Ryou.  
  
Yes, we're- we're looking for the head of Exodia. Our quest is to find the Head of Exodia. Yugi began. The Duelists murmured in agreement.  
  
And so we're- we're looking for it.  
  
Yes, we are. said Honda.  
  
put in Otogi.  
  
We are. We are. Ryou added.  
  
We have been for some time. Honda continued.  
  
Ryou commented.  
  
Yugi glanced at the leather-clad enchanter nervously. Uh- uh, so, uh, anything you could so to, uh, to help, would be...very...helpful.  
  
Otogi stepped up. Look, can you tell us where- He was cut off by another echoing roar.  
  
Fine. Um, I don't want to waste any more of your time, but, uh, I don't suppose you could, uh, tell us where we might find, um- find a- Yugi pushed Otogi back.  
  
A what...? Tim demanded.  
  
A h- a h- a hea- h-h-h-h...  
  
A Head?!?  
  
Y-y-yes, I think so. The Duelists muttered their agreement.  
  
proclaimed Tim.  
  
Oh. Thank you. The Duelists murmured some more, thanks this time.  
  
Tim threw out an assortment of fiery tongues, which was a rather disgusting concept to think about, then turned back to the group.  
  
Look, um, you're a busy man, uh- Yugi stuttered.  
  
Yes, I can help you find the Head of Exodia. Tim said, and the duelists began to thank him. He interrupted with:  
  
To the north there lies a cave- the Cave of Dragoncapturejar- wherein, carved in mystic runes upon the living rock, the last words of Keith the Bahndite of Ahmeirykaa... He gestured grandly, summoning up yet another blazing explosion. ...make plain the last resting place of the Head of Exodia.  
  
Where could we find this cave, O Tim? asked Yugi.  
  
Tim twirled his staff. Follow. But! Follow only if ye be men of valor, for the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel that no man yet has fought with it and lived! He made an odd face. The bones of full fifty men and Duel Monsters lie strewn about its lair. So, brave duelists, if you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty, big, pointy teeth. The long haired enchanter imitated fangs with long, elegant fingers. Then, he led onwards.  
  
Yugi shook his head. What an eccentric performance. The Duelists of Domino followed after him.  
  



	13. Run Away! Run Away!

PART THIRTEEN  
  
Tim led them onwards, through the hills and valleys, until the began to whinny in distress.   
  
They're nervous, sire. said Otogi.  
  
Then we'd best leave them here and carry on on foot. Dis-mount! Yugi ordered, and the duelists obeyed.  
  
Tim drew to a halt and pointed grandly. Behold the Cave of Dragoncapturejar!  
  
Yugi surveyed the scene, then stepped forward. Right. Keep me covered.  
  
What with? asked Otogi.  
  
Yugi looked back at him and shook his head. W- just keep me covered.  
  
Too late! Tim squeaked.  
  
Yugi peered at the cave entrance.  
  
  
  
He pointed frantically at a small, pale yellow animal with big eyes, nubs for limbs, and tiny wings.  
  
What, behind the Petite Angel?  
  
Tim's eyes bugged. It is the Petite Angel!  
  
Yugi looked at the enchanter incredulously. You silly sod!  
  
  
  
You got us all worked up!  
  
Well, that's no ordinary Petite Angel. Tim replied.  
  
Yugi placed his hands on his hips. he said sarcastically.  
  
Tim gesticulated wildly. That's the most foul, cruel, bad-tempered Duel Monster you ever set eyes on.  
  
You tit! I soiled my armor I was so scared! Ryou snapped.  
  
Look, that Angel's got a vicious streak a mile wide, it's a killer! the long-haired magician insisted.  
  
Get stuffed! Otogi snarled.  
  
He'll do you up a treat, mate! Tim warned once more.  
  
Oh, yeah?  
  
You mangy scots git! Ryou put in his insult.  
  
I'm warning you!  
  
The white haired duelist was irritated. What's he do, nibble your bum?   
  
He's got huge, sharp- eh- he can leap about- look at the bones! Tim imitated the Angel's teeth.  
  
Yugi waved a member of their company forward. Go on, Dox. Chop his head off!  
  
The green-dressed man stepped up. Right! Silly little bleeder. One Angel stew comin' right up!  
  
He descended the slope towards the Petite Angel, sword drawn. It perked up at his approach.  
  
cried Tim.  
  
The small, round creature leaped at Dox's throat, spilling his blood and ripping into the flesh.  
  
  
  
He collapsed into a small, dead heap.  
  
Holy Ra! Yugi's eyes were huge with astonishment.  
  
I warned you!  
  
I done it again! Ryou squeaked.  
  
Tim wandered off into his own little world of ranting, accompanied by much rolling of eyes. I warned you, but did you listen to me? Oh, no, you knew it all, didn't you? Oh, it's just a harmless little furball, isn't it? Well, it's always the same. I always tell them-  
  
Oh, shut up! yelled Yugi.  
  
Do they listen to me?  
  
  
  
Oh, no... Tim slapped his forehead.  
  
screamed the duelists, and ran for the Angel, weapons flailing. It instantly went on a killing spree. Two men fell, dead of fatal neck wounds.  
  
shouted the duelists, some in agonizing pain.  
  
Run away! Run away! Yugi yelled. They fled the deadly creature.  
  
Tim was leaning against a rock, guffawing at their foolishness. Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha!  
  
Right. How many did we lose? Yugi panted, out of breath.  
  
said Jounouchi.  
  
added Otogi.  
  
Yugi wiped his brow. And Dox. That's five.  
  
Three, sir. said Otogi.  
  
Three. Three. And we'd better not risk another frontal assault. That Angel's dynamite.  
  
Would it help to confuse it if we run away more? Ryou suggested.  
  
Yugi waved a hand at him. Oh, shut up and go change your armor.  
  
Otogi piped up. Let us taunt it! It may become so cross that it will make a mistake!  
  
Like what? questioned Yugi.  
  
  
  
Have we got bows? asked Jounouchi.  
  
answered the King.  
  
The duelists paused in thought. We have the Holy Jigen Bakudan. Jounouchi said triumphantly.  
  
Yugi brightened. Yes, of course! The Holy Jigen Bakudan of Shahdaurelme! Tis one of the sacred relics Brother Malik carries with him! Brother Malik! Bring up the Holy Jigen Bakudan!  
  
A platinum-haired youth stood by a previously unnoticed wheeled contraption with a couple of attendants. He perked up, then opened the doors in the side and reverently drew out a rather large pillow with a jug-shaped object on it.  
  
Realm of shadows in this twilight hour, take these souls and grant us power. Realm of shadows in this twilight hour, take these souls and grant us power. the monks chanted, following Brother Malik down the hill. He brought it before King Yugi, who contemplated it in confusion.  
  
How does it, um- how does it work? he asked.  
  
I know not, my liege. Jounouchi shook his head.  
  
Consult the Book of Magiccards! commanded Yugi.  
  
Malik gestured at one of his attendants, one with a mask and striped robe. Magiccards, Chapter Two, verses Nine to Twenty-One.  
  
The monk opened up the large book to the proper place and began to read. And Saint Bakura raised the Jigen Bakudan on high, saying, O Shadi, bless this thy Jigen Bakudan that with it thou mayest blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.' And Shadi did grin, and the people did feast upon the Scapegoats, and sloths, and Legendary Whales, and anchovies, and Battle Guards, and breakfast cereals, and Serpent Night Dragons, and large chu-  
  
Skip a bit, Brother.  
  
He continued. And Shadi spake, saying, First shalt thou take out the Holy Timer Hand. Then, shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Jigen Bakudan of Shahdaurelme towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.'  
  
finished Malik.  
  
murmured the duelists.  
  
Yugi hefted the Jigen Bakudan, and pulled off the timer hand. Right! One...two...five!  
  
Three, sir!  
  
He chucked it high into the air, and it arced downwards until it struck the ground and exploded, and bits of Petite Angel flew everywhere, which would be a nasty thing to clean up.  



	14. The Cave

PART FOURTEEN  
  
The duelists entered the cave, and began to search about for a clue as to the whereabouts of the Head of Exodia. Finally, Yugi stumbled-  
  
  
  
-upon some carvings in the rock...  
  
There! Look! He pointed at the scrawled letters.  
  
What does it say? Jounouchi looked at them in confusion.  
  
Otogi peered over his shoulder. What language is that?  
  
Yugi waved Malik forward. Brother Malik! You are a scholar.  
  
The platinum haired monk stepped forward and scrutinized the carvings. It's Kaibacorpic!  
  
Otogi smacked his forehead. Of course! Bhigephife of Kaibacorpe!  
  
put in Jounouchi.  
  
What does it say? questioned Yugi.  
  
Malik turned his attention back to the stone. It reads...'Here may be found the last words of Bhigephife of Kaibacorpe. He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find the Head of Exodia in the Castle of...uuuuuuuuuggghhhh.'  
  
The company blinked. asked Yugi.  
  
Malik looked at it again. '...the Castle of uuuuuuuuuggghhhh.'  
  
What is that? Honda asked.  
  
He must have died while carving it. Malik replied, a tiny grin teasing at his features at the thought.  
  
Oh, come on! Jounouchi sighed in exasperation.  
  
Well, that's what it says. Malik gestured at the rock.  
  
Look, if he was dying, he wouldn't bother to carve aaaagh.' He'd just say it! Yugi waved an arm in imitation of writing.  
  
Well, that's what's carved into the rock! Malik put his hands on his hips.  
  
Perhaps he was dictating. Otogi spoke up.  
  
Oh, shut up. Does it say anything else?  
  
No, just,   
  
  
  
  
  
Do you suppose he meant the Camaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaague? asked Honda.  
  
Where's that? Otogi asked in return.  
  
ThDhek, I think.  
  
Isn't there a Saint Raaaaaaaaaaaaaa in Wherledefdharknhaes? Jounouchi added.  
  
Yugi shook his head. No, that's Saint Dragon.  
  
Oh yes. Saint Draaagon.  
  
echoed the duelists.  
  
cried Honda in the midst of their Draaaaaaaaagoning.  
  
Jounouchi waved at him. No, no. Aaaaaaugh' at the back of the throat. Aaaugh.  
  
Honda shook his head. N-no. No, no, no, no. Oooh' in surprise and alarm.  
  
Oh, you mean, sort of an   
  
Yes, but I- aaaaah! Honda exclaimed.  
  
The duelists turned to see what exactly it was that had Honda so worked up.  
  
shouted Yugi.  
  
Otogi screamed.  
  
A horrible beast was before them, like a thousand-eyed albino walnut balanced on a top, and a strange orifice in the front. It's main eye stalk bobbed up and down in a most disturbing fashion.  
  
Malik looked up at it in shock. It's the legendary Black Relinquished of Aaaaaaaaauuugh! He trailed off as the Black Relinquished sucked him into itself, in what appeared to be an eating.  
  
That's it! That's it! Honda cried, jumping up and down hysterically while pointing at the thing.  
  
Run away! Yugi ordered. His duelists were only too happy to comply.  
  
Run away! they yelled.  
  
The thing thumped forward, eliciting a number of rather girly screams. Run away! Run away! Run awaaaaay!  
  
  
  
Keep running!  
  
The Black Relinquished chased the fleeing duelists through the maze of caverns. They managed to get ahead of it a bit, and ducked around a gigantic stone pillar. Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh!  
  
We've lost him. whispered Honda.  
  
  
  
  
  
The duelists leaped up and fled further.  
  
As the horrendous Black Relinquished lunged forward, escape for Yugi and his duelists seemed hopeless, when suddenly, the animator suffered a fatal heart attack.  
  
  
  
*thump*  
  
The anime peril was no more. The quest for the Head of Exodia could continue.  
  



	15. The Bridge

PART FIFTEEN  
  
The Duelists approached a deep chasm, steaming from the nameless _goo_ that flowed sluggishly through it's depths.  
  
There it is! Otogi pointed.  
  
The Bridge of Mindcrush! Yugi said.  
  
Oh, great. Ryou groaned.  
  
Yugi squinted, then gestured. Look! There's the old guy from scene twenty-four!  
  
Honda looked confused. What is he doing here?  
  
Suddenly in the know, Yugi answered, He is the keeper of the Bridge of Mindcrush. He asks each traveler five questions-  
  
Three questions. Otogi interrupted.  
  
Three questions. He who answers the five questions-  
  
Three questions.  
  
Three questions may cross in safety. Yugi finished.  
  
Ryou looked worried. What if you get a question wrong?  
  
Yugi shook his head. Then you are cast into the Gorge of Lost Life Points.  
  
Oh, I won't go. Ryou backed up a step.  
  
Who's going to answer the questions? Otogi asked this sensible question.  
  
Yugi glanced at his duelists. Sir Ryou!  
  
  
  
Brave Sir Ryou, you go.  
  
Ryou's eyes widened, and his mind raced. Hey! I've got a great idea. Why doesn't Jounouchi go?  
  
Jounouchi stepped forward. Yes. Let me go, my liege. I will take him single handed.  
  
I'll bet you will. someone mutered in the background. They recieved a Glare of Death from King Yugi, but Jounouchi didn't seem to hear. I shall make a feint to the north-east that s-  
  
Yugi interrupted. No, no, no. Hang on! Hang on! Just answer the five questions-  
  
Three questions.  
  
Three questions as best you can. And we shall watch...and pray. Yugi clapped his much taller companion on the back.  
  
I understand, my leige.  
  
Good luck, brave Sir Jounouchi. Shadi be with you.  
  
With that, the blonde duelist strode confidently down to the old man and the Bridge.   
  
He (that is to say, the old man) held up a hand and said in his raspy voice, Stop! He who would cross the Bridge of Mindcrush must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.  
  
Jounouchi nodded. Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I am not afraid.  
  
The man chuckled to himself, light glinting off of his sunglasses. What - is your name?  
  
My name is Sir Jounouchi of Domino.  
  
What - is your quest?  
  
To seek the Head of Exodia.  
  
What - is your favorite duel monster?  
  
The Flame Swordsman.  
  
The old man nodded. Right. Off you go. He stepped aside and gestured to the Bridge.   
  
Oh, thank you. Thank you very much. Jounouchi took a few cautious steps, and then crossed without incident.  
  
Ryou gaped, then said, That's easy! He ran forward, eager to cross.  
  
The old man held up a hand. Stop! Who approacheth the Bridge of Mindcrush must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see. Ryou gestured for him to hurry up his speech.  
  
Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper, I'm not afraid. He smiled as he said this.  
  
What - is your name?  
  
Sir Ryou of Domino.  
  
What - is your quest?  
  
To seek the Head of Exodia.  
  
What - is the capital of Assyria?  
  
A look of horror and confusion flashed over Ryou's face. I don't know that! Auuuuuugh! He cried out as he was thrown by some unseen force over the edge and into the Gorge of Lost Life Points.  
  
Otogi approached cautiously, and stopped before the old man. Stop! What - is your name?  
  
Sir Otogi of Domino.  
  
What - is your quest?  
  
I seek the Head. Otogi kept hs voice neutral.  
  
What - is your favorite duel monster?  
  
Orgoth. No, Y - aaauuuuuuuugh!  
  
He, too, was swept off the edge.  
  
Hee hee heh. The bridgekeeper cackled in amusement. He said as King Yugi approached at last. Stop! What - is your name?  
  
The diminutive ruler replied, It is Yugi, King of Games.  
  
What - is your quest?  
  
To seek the Head of Exodia.  
  
The old man paused. What - is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?  
  
Without pause, Yugi smoothly replied, What do you mean, a Japanese of a European swallow?  
  
Huh? I - I don't know that! Auuuugh!  
  
And so, the bridgekeeper was thrown off the side and into the Gorge.  
  
How do you know so much about swallows? Honda asked.  
  
Yugi shrugged. Well, you have to know these things when you're a king, you know.  
  
They continued on, over the Bridge.  
  
  



	16. The Quest's End

INTERMISSION  
  
(Insert colorful music here)  
  
(Suspenseful music resumes)  
  
  
PART SIXTEEN  
  
Jounouchi! Jounouchi!  
  
Yugi and Honda called out for their missing companion, but he was nowhere to be seen.   
  
Then, they approached a lake, in the center of which, shrouded in thick fog, stood a castle. Without a crew, or any real reason at all, a dragon-shaped ship floated up.  
  
Hey, this kind of reminds me of a Baby Dragon...  
  
They climbed aboard and let the tattered sail-ship take them where it would. It glided soundlessly across the water, pulling to a stop before the majestic stone edifice.  
  
The Castle Aaaagh. Our quest is at an end. Yugi said in awe. Shadi be praised! He got down on one knee. Almighty Shadi, we thank Thee that Thou has vouchsafed us to the most holy-  
  
_Twong._  
  
  
  
A sheep flew through the air and narrowly missed hitting the King of Games. He leaped up with a cry and grew taller, voice deepening.  
  
A familiar head appeared over the wall.   
  
Allo, dappy Japanese d-uelllllllists and Monsieur Yugi King, who has the brain of a duck, you know. So, we French Duel Monsters outwit you a second time!  
  
Yugi was outraged. How dare you profane this place with your presence! I command you, in the name of the Duelists of Domino, to open the doors of this sacred castle, to which Shadi Himself has guided us! He gestured broadly at the structure, eyes glinting with fury.  
  
The Flame Swordsman put a finger to his lips. How you Japanese say, I one more time, mac, unclog my nose in your direction', sons of a window-dresser! So, you think you could outclever us French Monsters with your silly knees-bent running about advancing behavior?! I wave my private parts at your aunties, and their aunties, you cheesy lot of second hand electric donkey-bottom biters.  
  
In the name of Shadi, we demand entrance to this sacred castle! Yugi was losing his patience.  
  
The Swordsman laughed. No chance, Japanese bed-wetting types. I call your door-opening request a silly thing, you tiny-brained wipers of other people's bottoms!  
  
Yugi drew his deck. If you do not open this door, we shall take this castle by force!  
  
He and Honda ran forward with a battle cry. Things began to fall - animals, rocks, small, useless objects, and, in general, a load of shit. Some of it literal.  
  
In the name of Shadi and the glory of our-  
  
More things fell. The guards atop the wall were laughing hysterically.  
  
Yugi covered himself with his hands. Agh. Right! That settles it!  
  
The guard called down. Yes, depart a lot at this time, and cut the approaching any more or we fire arrows at the tops of your heads and make castanets out of your testicles already! Ha ha hah haaa!  
  
Yugi muttered to Honda, Walk away. Just ignore them.  
  
The Frenchmonster insulted them some more. And now, remain gone, illegitimate-faced bugger-folk! And, if you think you got a nasty taunting this time, you ain't heard nothin' yet, dappy Japanese d-uuuuuuuuelists! Thppppt!  
  
The other guards joined in on the chorus of taunting.  
  
Yugi fumed. We shall attack at once!  
  
Honda nodded. Yes, my liege!  
  
And then, a great army of duelists appeared from out of nowhere (it is conjectured that they perhaps came from the Shahdaurelme, but this has never been confirmed), shouted, and then fell silent.  
  
French persons! Yugi called out triumphantly.  
  
  
  
Yugi continued. Today the blood of many a valiant duelists shall be avenged. In the name of Shadi...  
  
Hoo hoo! Ohh, ha ha ha ha ha!...  
  
...we shall not stop our fight til each one of you lies dead...or mindcrushed...and the Head of Exodia returns to those whom Shadi has chosen!  
  
...Ha ha ha!...  
  
  
  
cried out the duelist army, and began their advance.  
  
However, they were rudely interrupted as the scream of police sirens filled the air, and a couple of black not-carts screeched to a halt in front of them. An elderly woman hopped out, accompanied by an official-looking man in a uniform.  
  
The woman pointed. Yes. They're the ones. I'm sure.  
  
A squad of officers jumped out and grabbed various duelists. Come on. Everybody armed must go too. said the Inspector.  
  
All right. Come on. Back. The officers herded the army around and into the trucks, searching everyone.  
  
Get that one. The woman said.  
  
Put this man in the van. The Inspector told the officer, gesturing.  
  
Clear off. Come on. said the officer.  
  
With whom? Honda blinked.  
  
And so, the army of duelists was ignominiously captured and hauled off, much to their chagrin, and to the distress of the cameraman, who was crashed into multiple times.  
  
  



End file.
